My postpartum was a mixed bag, I had planned to do 40 days at home. I thought I would have one visitor day and that people would bring me meals, or perhaps five grocery items. And that was pretty much the extent of my birth and postpartum plan.
Looking back now, I realise how little I actually knew about what I would need. My mom was going through chemotherapy throughout my pregnancy. Two weeks after my son was born, she had a mastectomy. Coupled with that, I was in a relationship that was not supportive. And I ended up having a birth that I didn’t want. I ended up with an emergency Caesarean section because my son had passed fresh meconium.
And even though the Caesarean was beautiful in many ways, because I knew the team and they listened to me, it was still not the birth I had imagined. The surrounding lights were dimmed, he was lifted out of him really slowly and mindfully. There was talking in the theatre. My son was welcomed very slowly and gently, as best as can be with a Caesarean birth.
And yet I was left with grief.
And a feeling of failure.
That somehow I had done something wrong.
Postpartum was not an easy time.
I do feel that being at home really did support my nervous system, but unfortunately, at that time I was vegetarian, allergic to gluten, and my midwife had also recommended that I stop dairy too. As my son’s digestive system I know now was immature and taking time to come online, like all babies for the first 3 months. When I look back at my postpartum, I remember eating baked potatoes and not much else, and now, with everything I know about postpartum nutrition and nourishment, I look back and think:
What was I actually feeding myself?
This is one of the things I wish someone had shared with me.
Not just what to buy for the baby.
Not just what the baby needs.
But what does the mother need?
What are the things to eat?
What are the things to do?
How much rest do you really need?
Who is going to look after you while you are looking after this tiny human?
What happens when you are exhausted and overwhelmed?
When you are emotional and wondering if you are doing any of this right?
When breastfeeding isn’t going the way you thought it would?
When you don’t feel like yourself?
When you look in the mirror and barely recognise the woman looking back?
When everyone is asking how the baby is, but no one is really asking:
How are you?
And then there is your partner, because often he wants to help. He really does, but he doesn’t necessarily know how. He doesn’t know what you need, he doesn’t know what to say when you’re crying. He doesn’t know whether to give you space or hold you, he may think helping means taking the baby so you can get things done.
When actually, you might need him to take everything else off your plate so that you can simply rest and be with your baby.
This is something I also share in the webinar, how your partner can support you.
What he can do.
What he can say.
What he can take responsibility for.
How he can support your nervous system and help create an environment where you feel safe, cared for and held, because postpartum is not something the mother should have to figure out on her own.
I did rest.
I feel like I got that “right”, but I wish I had known more.
I wish I had understood that postpartum wasn’t simply about recovering from birth.
It was about me becoming a mother.
It was about my body recovering.
My nervous system recovering.
My hormones shifting.
My identity changing.
My relationships changing.
And my whole life changing.
It was a huge initiation.
And I was expected to just get on with it.
For the last 30 years I have supported women through birth, I know a lot about birth and I have been in many, many births. But it is only in the last five years that I have really started to learn about and dive deeper into postpartum care and support.
And what women really need, and honestly, I just wish I had had this.
I wish I had had someone sitting with me beforehand saying:
This is what your body is going to need.
This is what you need to eat.
This is what rest really looks like.
This is how you prepare your home.
This is how you prepare the people around you.
This is how your partner can support you.
This is how you ask for help.
And perhaps most importantly:
You don’t have to do this alone.
Because I believe that the way we support a woman in those first weeks and months matters. I know this because I have lived on the other side of it. Eighteen months after my son was born, I experienced the first of two periods of what I was diagnosed with as adrenal fatigue. It was the worst one. My mom died when my son was 16 months old. There was so much happening.
And when I look back now, I really feel that I didn’t have the emotional support or the nutritional support that I needed after birth. And I often wonder how different my health today might have been had I been better supported then. This is why this work matters so much to me.
My mission is not to tell women how to control their postpartum.
It is about helping women take ownership of their postpartum journey.
To understand what they need.
To prepare for it.
To ask for the support they need.
To allow themselves to be cared for.
Because your baby is not the only one being born.
You are being born too.
And you deserve to be supported in that becoming not just so that you can survive those first few weeks, but so that you can be healthy and well as your children grow. And as you grow and change through the years of your own life.
This is why I created Preparing for Postpartum.
A space to begin thinking about you before your baby arrives.
What you need.
What your body needs.
What your nervous system needs.
What nourishment really looks like.
What support looks like.
How your partner can support you.
And how to create a postpartum that holds you, too.
If you are pregnant, or supporting a pregnant woman, I would love you to join me.
Preparing for Postpartum Webinar
Wednesday 23 September at 7.30pm
or
Friday 25 September at 12.30pm
Come and learn what I wish I had known before my own postpartum.
Because preparing for your baby is important.
But preparing for the mother you are becoming is just as important.
Always
Theoni